...skeletons in my closet (actually they're on my front door)...

The day of all days is here! My eyes keep getting drawn back to the large bowl of candy I fixed up this morning - junior mints, shock tarts, reece's peanut butter cups, milk duds, gumballs...drool...Must take my mind off of sweet, sweet candy...must not become diabetic...

So instead I am focusing on sounds today. The tornado siren-like squeal of the dryer, the rustle of embroidery thread repeatedly being pulled through linen, pops of old wood floors, the wet hiss of the coffee pot, and the giant BOOM of a transformer blowing this morning that tore me from my dream world. The power was only gone an hour or so.

Tonight we do the dance of passing out candy to kids. Jeremy and I discussed the various approaches to doing this, and I believe my way won out - mainly because I say so. He thinks the kids should be allowed to take their own candy from the bowl. While I remember this being a wonderful thing when I was a kid, now I can only see little, sticky fingers shoveling as much candy as they can into their bag. I'm for passing out one or two pieces per kid, and I get to randomly decide what those pieces shall be. You can trade up later kid...I'm not taking requests. Jeremy thinks this is another attempt of mine to take kids down a notch. Hey...I just want to make sure everyone gets a piece of the pie...er...I mean candy.

...stranded at the drive-in...

We tossed an armload of blankets and pillows in the car, and took off Saturday night to meet Christine, Evan, Liz, and Hillary for a double-feature at the drive-in. Texas Chainsaw Massacre is very frightening when viewed in your own car, surrounded by night, and having to go to the bathroom, but not wanting to go anywhere by yourself after that flick. We survived though. I pulled the blanket up over my eyes a couple of times...of course it is a loosely crocheted blanket, so I could still see anyway. Kill Bill Vol. 1 was the next movie. Very good again, but quite violent. I love the way Tarantino matches up music to what is happening in the film.

Sunday... I don't know what I did to deserve this, but Jer made french toast and fake bacon for our very late breakfast. Yummmm. Then we just lazed around with the various visitors that called on us, until Jer had to go to work. Fantastic.

...till next year...

The party is over. At least, the birthday party, not the party that is everyday of my life! (ha.) A quarter of a century does not feel that different than last year, at least so far. We'll see what is in store for this one...

The sun is still shining, and the leaves are still breaking delicately beneath my feet. Halloween is not far away, and thankfully we have not eaten all of the candy...well...I had to buy another bag or two that we haven't opened, but we never finished off the original one! My head is overflowing with things I want to work on in studio, strangers are calling Jer to have their pianos tuned, and the cats are still rearranging the rugs every night.

...what's goin' on...

A cold rain is falling outside, and the sun is almost gone for the day. Jeremy is already at work for the night. I am currently reading "My Invented Country" by Isabel Allende and "Stupid White Men" by Michael Moore. This morning I started my "Sweatin' to the Oldies" workout. Richard Simmons is pretty fun. I've been working on art and cleaning the house. my birthday is tuesday shhhh...Tonight I am going to watch Friends and ER. Tomorrow I am going to make Morrocan carrot spread, onion dip, and hummus for an upcoming shin-dig. I have begun to master medium-level spider solitaire. I need to write some letters.

...who knew...

I dropped my car off this morning for an oil change, etc., and, thankfully, had to walk home. It's only about a ten-minute walk, but in that time I learned lots about Gregory (the street) that I had never known just driving on it.
A few trees have some bluish-white mossy spots on them. They come right after the tree that has seaweed-like pods hanging from it. I am not sure if these have the same delicious sounding/feeling pop-hiss to them as the seaweed does, but they looked like it. There was also a stretch of trees that not only has regular, dark green leaves on it, but light green ones curled down like little tongues waiting to lick those who walk under it's branches. The tongues cradled some sort of berry, most likely not edible.
I think in our neighborhood that the plants are ready to take over. If only people would leave them alone! The sidewalks are already severely buckled in some parts, with plants sneaking their way out of every crevice. Lots of people have ivy creeping up their houses or fully engulfing their chimneys. If we all disappeared, it would not take very long for the ferns, trees, flowers, ivy, all of them, to claim everything as their own. They silently pass the time...waiting for the long moments of their uprising...lucky plants...

...heavy whipping cream...

Now you can witness how truly flip-floppy I am...going from serious thought to...

I just wandered downstairs for a brief interlude and found Bones, our resident heat monkey, sitting in front of the air vent in the dining room, lapping up the waves of warm air.

I'm seriously considering heating up a sticky bun my mother bought for me even though it is practically midnight.

Conan is coming on t.v. (that sounds a bit crude...sorry) and I find him highly amusing...in fact so much that I am going to say, goodnight.

...how does this happen...

Do you ever zoom out from your life and realize how ridiculous so many things are with it, and with the world in general? Here I am...I own a house with my best friend and partner, I currently have no income because my husband is making money and I am a semi-privelaged person, I have lots of things...in fact I have so many that I get rid of tons of clothing, paper, whatever each year, I never miss a meal unless I choose to, I have never had an act of physical violence done against me, I went to college - to art shcool none the less, I have traveled all over the place...
I am so lucky. How did I get this place in the scheme of things, yet other people have none of what I do? Did I do something really good in a past life, or am I destined to do not as well in the next one? Does God or whatever there is just like some people better for no good reason? And why am I not doing more with what I have to help those who have not?...is it even "better" to be the one who has?...what is the perfect existence, when you have what you need - food, shelter, love, good health, a whole range of emotions - and not too many things to bog you down - jobs, obligations, guilt, wants, and you know of no one else who needs anything? Does that exist?
I have had times throughout my life so far where I fight harder than usual for basic rights for all, for justice, for universal happiness, for something - anything...then...life sucks me back in and it is easy to forget other people. I walk down the street with a veil. We think it is so horrible that Muslim women are forced to fully cover in public, but we are a society that is still covered ourselves, and we like it! You just can't see ours and it is self-imposed.
It's so easy to sit here - in my jeans, t-shirt, and cowboy boots - and type on my computer, and drink my fresh water, and expound upon what is wrong with the world. What are my solutions? This is the toughy...I don't know. I guess I will try to be a good person and not use too much of anything, though that's easier said than done for the lifestyle we have become accustomed to. I will raise any children I have to please, please, please question things, and want to drink up any books, magazines, newspapers, people, dances, songs, art, animals, vistas, whatever that they come across, and to help, and love, and do something as long as they fully embrace it and believe in it. I will do what I can before I burn (not in Hell, I don't believe in it...in actual flames...I want to be cremated) and try not to feel too guilty for what I cannot do. That is very hard.
For now...universe...ever expanding (or is it actually shrinking?)...I love you, whatever happens, whether you take it all away or give me more (I really don't need more)...thank you for it all...please give other people breaks...please do something to equalize us all - or is that for us to figure out?

...i'm falling...

It's almost my birthday month! Yes, I declare the entire month of October as my own. This is absolutely my favorite time of year. I love that I can still wear summery clothes most of the time, but that at night I need to put on a sweater. Soups, chilis, stews and such are much tastier in the fall. Halloween is by far the best holiday, and this year we get to super decorate for it, and we should actually have kids that want to trick-or-treat at our place!

Today the first leaves started to fall from the trees, and I noticed at the tip tops of some that the leaves had turned. Fall makes me a little melancholy (spelling? one l right?) I know death and hibernation are coming for nearly everything. It's a chance to reflect and release things and hope to survive to be reborn in spring. I really like this aspect of fall. This is kind of a central theme to my life...my name actually means "of the resurrection." I love the image of the phoenix, periodically going up in flames only to come back again to repeat the whole process. I suppose lots of people can relate to that, so I'm not saying it's a unique thing to me by any means. Hmmm. Enough reflection...let's go drink some warm apple cider...and eat donuts...mmm...donuts.

...chester drawers...

Jeremy and I picked up a handy piece of my old furniture from my Ma's that is perfect for stashing socks, t-shirts, underwear and such. In order to do that though, I had to clear out the memories: cards for every holiday, elementary writings and yearbooks, stacks of notes illegally passed in class, old photos and objects that were once so important. Luckily I could part with a paper sacks worth of stuff, so I have less to find a new home for. Sometimes I wish I was a minimalist.

...saturday, in the park, blah blah blah rest of the lyrics...

Everything today is wet. There is a mist outside that makes all the plants want to give off their best shade of green before they begin to turn. Our neighborhood is dripping with huge trees, flowers, long grass, and vines overtaking whatever stands still for awhile.
No one seems to be awake today. I know other people are somewhere in town, because I saw them at the farmer's market not too long ago. 70th Terrace is quiet. Anyone with sense is still in bed, excited that quilts have needed to return.
This is when I listen...no need to talk except for the occassional exchange with a kitty. The cicadas died out with the hot weather, so now all of the other insects can be heard singing their pleas for mates. They mix in with the questioning purrs of Bones, the wood floors creaking under delicate cat paws and me shifting in my chair, the constant hum of the computer and click clicky of keys, fingers rubbing on a ceramic bowl, green tea juicily slurping into my mouth, and the distant sounds of what few cars seem to be out there this morning, but I have yet to see from my window.

...whatever happens...

I wish there was some sort of vaccum that could suck all of the snot from my head, yet not touch my brain. I would appreciate that right about...now.

My Mom was adopted by an almost all black cat. Just in time for Halloween! She named him Spooky. The fact that she took him in is very funny considering all of my life she has not enjoyed cats. Spooky worked his magic on her though, and they are great companions. He is very sweet and declawed, and she has something to talk baby talk to and to calm her down a bit.

We are working on moving Rick to Kansas City soon. I'm pretty excited. I like having family near by (well...yeah, yeah I do) and he can meet my family, and check out all the things we love about Kansas City, and I'm sure find things that we don't even know about!

The other day we were making our way through the Westport Art Fair when we realized, "Oh! We're right by Murray's Ice Cream Shop! How odd...I almost forgot it was there!" Murray's is only the best ice cream in town. No flavors felt right until my eyes fell upon the name *Pink Grapefruit Champagne Sorbet* Mmmm...delicious. I think it was the most satisfying frozen experience I have had all summer.

...open up and say ahhh...

The rains have been sent to us! I'm sitting up here in our cozy little tv room, typing away, drinking strong coffee, and watching the puddles in our neighbor's patio chairs grow larger by the second. When the rain first started a day or two ago you could almost hear the grass and other plants collectively gulp. My favorite thing though is the fact that in our kitchen the rain sounds like popcorn exploding as it hits the stove exhaust pipe on the roof!

...hide your sons and daughters...

Yowzer, we are back on line! It wasn't too bad being away. I could do it again easily. We just got back at 2:30 this morning from Detroit where we had to bid adieu to Joan and Rachel. Even though it was an extremely short visit, we had a fantastic time. Jer and I got to have Rachel to ourselves for a good portion of a day...she is just the coolest. I am so happy that Rachel is in my life. Joan made a really yummy meal of veg sheppard's pie and green beans with shitakes. Mmmm. Jer and I had a good breakfast with just Joan that was fun. I love my in-laws!

Our stuff arrived less than a week ago. I immediately set up the kitchen, as it is a very important room for me, and am now focusing on my studio. Life is good.

It's very weird to drive almost everywhere. Not that I have been wanting to walk in the 105 degree heat, but I'm missing out on all the little stuff you get to notice while strolling around town. There are other things though...we had about 15 peace lillies (our friend Matt told us they were actually surprise lillies) surface in our back yard. My Daddad has some too that were transferred years ago from my great-grandfather's garden. I think I am going to take some of those bulbs this fall. We have a chorus of crickets in our basement that sing us to sleep - Bones caught one and ate it with a sickening crunch! We have lots of spiders patrolling the premises making sure that no corner goes un-woven. There is an organic farmer's market about a mile away from us on Saturday mornings! Everything is coming together.

...how prophetic...

Well...what a couple of weeks it has been. I was not really prepared for any of it...during the evening of Monday, July 21st, my father passed away unexpectedly in a sense. That night...I can't even really talk about that night. The next morning everything got picked up...taken away so quickly...then we ate our final slice of Aniello's pizza, shoved everything in the car including the cats as loud, electric pops of thunder started breaking loose. I hopped behind the wheel and we had one of the scariest drives to Pennsylvania (due to horrible storms) that I have ever experienced. Everything happened so fast...when we arrived in town on Thursday, I immediately went to a meeting at the place where the memorial was going occur. As of today, our belongings have still not arrived and are not scheduled to for another week and a half! Never use Mayflower!

My father...this is all I want to say about him...he was a lot of things, but the things I have been remembering the most is his love for us, and really for life around him. I've been learning even more about him having to go through his belongings. I've found the rolls of photos taken solely of the television during the moon landing, slides he took himself of celestial things through the telescope that he built, letters he wrote defending his work and actions when employers accussed him of things like not doing stuff in a timely manner, etc., stuff about the Registar system that he developed, his slide rule, his bowling ball, his old camera, his shoe shine kit, so many papers with equation after equation...notes...
I really wish I could have been here...
I can't really talk about it anymore, so I'm not going to.


So...yeah...our stuff is not here, but the house is! It's a good house. Kansas City is certainly here and real. Everything slipped into place so perfectly - driving, visiting friends and family, knowing where to get anything. Whenever I have thought about New York it has seemed not real. We lived a similar life there in many senses, but in others it was so different! No one here really knows that life we had, and we have been so busy that Jeremy and I have not really discussed it much. New York worked it's way into my body, and I'm not sure I want to let it go. I guess I do not have to, as we are planning to return many times. Kansas City is great...the cicadas are busy talking all day and part of the night, Jeremy bought a truck that is a fraternal twin to the one he had to give up before we moved to Brooklyn, and I can hop over to my Mom's, Daddad's, sister's, etc. whenever I want. New York...what are you up to? I'm picturing right now what is likely happening on 14th Street, on 5th avenue, at the Dia, on 23rd Street, in the East Village, at the Buncher's, on Fire Island, at the co-op, in the subway...what a different entity New York is...not better than anywhere else, every place is wonderful in some way...just...I don't know. Well...I need breakfast

I still don't have regular computer access for another two weeks or so (by the time we hook up internet.)
Hoping whoever is out there is well...please tell me you are well.

...last call...

Our internet is being taken away from us today. Think of it...no connection by that means for probably two weeks...shudder. I can't believe how tied in with it I am. I didn't even get email until I was in college! It will be okay...I can focus on other things...like how we are getting cell phones! (They still have not arrived...it was a whole drama yesterday that ended with Jeremy telling them not to call us until they are ready to say that 2 cell phones will be here by Tuesday...they called, so we will see) That, I am still not too sure about how I feel. Jeremy's is for his work, which makes sense, but mine is not so much for that purpose. Definitely don't want to make it my primary phone, no no no! I'm sure I'll enjoy it, but I'm the person who still talks into them funny, like I don't trust that the people can hear me if the mouthpiece is halfway up my cheek. I've seriously only talked on one three times. Anyway...technology...bah!

New York...who knew a Kansas City girl could fall in love. Don't get me wrong...I am VERY excited to be moving back, but I love my neighborhood here, and riding subways, and walking around trying to figure out who it would be okay to make eye contact with, and being able to have any type of food I want at most likely any hour, and most of all different family and friends. I know we are coming back for visits every year-ish, but...sigh. Alright, it's list time...all New York lists...

Famous People I Saw (or almost saw) While Living Here:
Jacques Torres
John Waters
Lou Reed
Laurie Anderson
Duff
Pauly Shore (Heather and I were walking and she saw him sitting, but I was spacing off and totally missed everything)
Rachel Dratsch
Robert Whitman
Chuck Close
Jo Baer
uhhh...alright, I'm tired of this list

All Time Favorite Experiences In New York:

Zoe greeting me every time I come in or out of our building, sitting on the beach at Fire Island with the sky all gray and a fine salt mist devouring me, walking to the co-op especially on Saturdays, going out to Mexican food with Juhanni, Rebecca, Chris, and Carlin, this one lunch - a long time ago- with Adam and Angela...it was a Saturday, Indian food, and then a great stroll down 1st ave..., hanging out with Lola in Union Square almost every day, going to the Comic and Cartoon museum with Johnny, having Heather over for making-dinner-watching-Sunday-cartoons nights while she still lived here, chatting with Corrie up in the Dia cafe, getting to see Dust Dive twice, long talks with Nancy and Richard upstairs, meeting and getting to know Adam K, when Lola's family would give me a ride home...never boring!, shutting the door in Luis's face, that special corner on our block where you can spy on the Statue of Liberty, Ukranian Borchst...any Monday I want, dinner at Bea's - telling stories, Joan's birthday party, our wedding reception at Guru!, spending time with Rick, dinner at Peter and Joanne's, fourth of July this year, hanging out with Arno and Susie, all the things I noticed walking around town, the subway stop for The Natural History Museum, having Josh, Julie and Morgan visit, riding on the ottomans with Christine at work, dancing in the office at work, bringing home lots of good food from the co-op, sitting on the stoop and having people stopping to talk, flying over New York knowing we are about to touch down, those little tile faces I've been seeing around, running into Jeremy by surprise on the subway, riding the Wonder Wheel with an absolutely terrified Jer (hey...he suggested it!), our anniversary...brunch at Sidewalk-walking around the East Village, ...too much more to list.

Lot's is going to happen in those two weeks...Rachel turns 14, driving with two kitty boys to K.C., our fridge gets delivered (it's stainless steel with a freezer on the bottom...pretty), I visit my Dad in the nursing home for the first time...Here's to everything that has already occurred and to the unknown, may it be as fun, mysterious, heart tearing, frustrating, lovely, wild, boring, tiring, and inspiring as all that already is.
Safe travels to everyone...and love!

...keep me...

The day has only just started and I don't want to pack! La, la, la! Let's just eat bowls of sweetened corn puffs and forget all that we have to do.

...it's getting hot in here...

Last night we met up with Adam to go have a little dinner, then head to the Cutting Room where his friend Adam Dugas was singing a few songs, including his version of Nelly's It's Getting Hot in Here! Also performing were The World Famous Pontani Sisters. Glittery costumes, huge smiles, fake eyelashes, old fashioned dance moves...bringing back the burlesque atmosphere! It was the best show I have seen in a long time. Plus, there was Dana Pontani (singing), the Fisherman Xylophonic Burlesque Orchestra (awesome! the xylophone guy wears a fez!), Jo Boobs ( does not show it all, but can twirl her tassels well), and Oh De Twirlette. Yay!

...stunted...

Wouldn't you know that the urge to just sit down and super focus on art would come at the most inopportune time? There are boxes to pack, jobs to finish, people to say goodbye to, streets to walk on one more time before moving, things to eat that you just can't find elsewhere, etc. No rest for the wicked.

I also have a sudden need to look at things that are already packed, such as certain books. It is hard to believe that the time is so near. Sigh. I love our house we are moving to, and I love Kansas City, but...I love New York now too. Even though I like to complain about the city often (hey...from what I can tell most New Yorkers do) it's really grown on me. Thankfully, we have many reasons to visit: Adam, Angela, Bea, Judie, Brian, Joanne, Peter, Adam K., Nancy, Christine, Corrie...

Jeremy just called me blog horn leg horn! He makes everything better!

...burn a dollar...

Jeremy and I are not huge supporters of July 4th, but we do enjoy fireworks. Fortunately, his cousin (actually first cousin once removed) Susan was in town from Nepal, so we were able to enjoy them from the balcony of May's old apartment. It was good to see Susie. She always is fun to talk with. Her friend Viva, who is her neighbor in Nepal, was also in town. By the time the fireworks came, Francis from across the hall was over, and their friend Azalia was there as well.

I could not believe the display that New York has! We could actually see two different ones from our vantage point, but one was far superior as we could see all three parts of it. The view from May's bedroom was even more spectacular. I had a hard time deciding which view I preferred. On the balconey, you felt more a part of the whole city and could hear the collective ahhing and clapping of millions of people. We had been watching, as dusk grew, people gathering on the rooftops of the surrounding buildings. After dark, we could only see them in the flashes from the fireworks and hear that they were there, and very much alive. At one point a small boy yelled out, "I wish this was every night!" I think many people replied to him, "Me too!" The fireworks were like neurons, and petri dish growth, and flowers, and things from every part of nature come to life in an extra huge version of gold, violet, red, blue, white, green, orange explosion! I was fighting back tears at how something so simple can be so beautiful. It brought lots of memories, especially from when I was a kid, to the surface. If you were to have asked me at that moment, I probably would have told you my childhood was terrific, because I could only remember those sticky, summer nights where bug repellent, barbeque smoke, and fresh cut grass are wrestling to have the largest smell. Fireflies are creating there own light display every night, and don't seem to mind being caught every once in a while. You can stay up later, because the sun doesn't ever want to set, and there is no worry of having to go to school the next day. There are more excuses than ever to eat candy, drink soda, and nosh on things all day long. That's exactly what we did at Suzie's! Mmm...cookies, grapes, Coke, hummus, potato chips...I wish we could have stayed in that moment longer, but...it's good to know that there are so many moments in time where I feel that...I don't want to leave or ever have it end. Luckily, I try not to have much space at all in between those times. Those are the times when I don't worry about anything, and I don't get so frustrated that I proclaim, "Ugh! I can't stand people!" There probably needs to be less of that in everyone's life.

...family matters...

We finally downloaded Powerpoint so that we could look at the cd of family photographs and stories that we got from Rick, via Arno (Jeremy's second cousin I believe) It is an extremely long slideshow, but you just don't want to stop! I'm interested in any person's photograph collection, but this was extra good because it's Jeremy's family. I think there is somewhere around six to seven hundred photographs spanning from 1900 to 2002/3! Arno had, and still has, a huge task ahead of him, and the end result is great!!! I think this is how I may want to organize all of the stuff for my family...we'll see.

...now i'm a believer...

So, I am really no longer going to doubt Johnny. For months he has been saying he was just going to show up one day in Brooklyn. All last week he kept telling us, "See you on Friday!" Didn't believe him. So...Friday after work I headed on over to Peter and Joanne's for dinner with them, Bea, Dollar Bill (Jeremy's cousin) and Jer. I'm enjoying the conversation, eating cheese and crackers when who should come sauntering in with Jeremy...Johnny! That old trickster! We had a good night - Thai food, fantastic hospitality, talking, etc.
After leaving Peter and Joanne's, the three of us headed back to Brooklyn to go to the bar Freddie's where Brian and Laura's band, Dust Dive, was playing for Brian's birthday. Their music is...sigh...beautiful. It breaks my heart. Then it was home, home, home...late.

Saturday Johnny and I decided to adventure since Jeremy was at work. We had lunch at Daisy's diner then decided that this was where we needed to head. This museum is actually a room, and not much more. After entering a non-descript building on Union Square East and finding "suite" 600, we walked into a room of people whose heads all turned as they proclaimed, "Wow! Real visitors!" We were given the grand tour and had it explained to us that they rent out their space for various groups to meet in. We had interrupted the Star Wars fan club of New York meeting! There were no hipsters in sight, and we even had one guy say, "I am the comic book guy." They all cleared out soon after and we could actually get to the walls, which featured work from the book "Broad Appeal" - all cartoons by women artists. As we were talking to our tour guide once again, another worker (ponytail, pale skin, black clothes) came out with a stack of papers and said,"What, praytell, shall I do with these?" Wow. It was a good time, and I highly recommend supporting them if you ever find your way to New York.
I'm going to sum up the rest of the day/night quickly - we left, called Bill, walked many blocks in the rain laughing, got to the Dia, caught a cab to Guru for dinner with Jer, walked around the East Village, had a sticker booth picture made of us with a Zapatista frame, met up with Judie and Bill at Gem Spa, Judie left and Bill came with us to Brooklyn, partied late into the night with beverages and such, Bill threw down some rhymes, lots of stories and laughing, we tossed Bill into a cab about 1:30, I crashed, the others crashed, Bea called us at 6:00 a.m. freaking out wondering where Bill was (he had slept in the lobby apparently.) Then it was time for work...

Sunday passed as it usually does...no need to go into it.
Monday we bid farewell to Johnny (we miss you buddy!) and hello to furniture and art that Rick passed on to us. This was the last time I get to see Rick before he moves to South Carolina. I don't know when I will see him next...this is sad. I have become close to Jeremy's family here, and it is hard to move away, and have them move away. I guess these things must be done. Good luck with your train trip, Rick, as well as settlin' in to a new place.

I'm exhausted by all of these words.